joshua_segal
Now that we're down to the last half-dozen (or less) areas for the 2018-9 season, I suspect only a half-dozen of the SJ regulars are still skiing. It's time for some "silly season threads."
I have a reputation for making puns and telling jokes. Someone told me a skiing related joke and said, "Your turn." Except for the following three tired riddle-jokes, I came up blank.
Here are the ones I knew. All are about the economics of the industry.
Question: What's the difference between a snowsports instructor and a large pizza. (Heard this joke at a folk singing concert substituting "banjo player" for "snowsports instructor")
Answer: A large pizza can serve a family of 4.
Question: What do you call a snowsports instructor whose girlfriend breaks up with him. (I actually hear this about a snowboarder, but the generic IMO works as well.)
Answer: Homeless.
Question: How do you become a millionaire in the ski industry?.
Answer: Start with two million.
What can you add?
bmwskier
Oldie but goodie
How is a snowstorm like a man?
You never know when it will come, how many inches you'll get and how long it will last.
What is the difference between a ski instructor and a skiing student? 3 days
Three snowboarders are riding in the back of a car. Who is driving?
The police.
What’s the difference between a ski bum and a pizza pie? The pizza can actually feed a family of four
What do you call a ski patroler in a suit? A defendant.
jaytrem
What do a snowboard and a vacuum have in common? They both have a dirtbag attached to them.
mapnut
I posted these a few years ago, but what the heck.
A skier, a telemarker and a snowboarder ;) were spending their summer going for a hike in Death Valley. They met before dawn to check and compare their gear.
The skier had a whole keg of beer. "We're going to get really thirsty out there, so we're definitely going to want plenty of beer."
The Telemarker had a flask of wine and a big cheese. ""We're going to get hungry as well as thirsty, so we're going to want plenty of cheese."
The snowboarder had a car door. "It's going to be f-g hot out there, so we're going to want to roll down the window!"
mapnut
And my variation on the British navy captain:
Hans was the Grand Old Man of the ski patrol at Pinnacle Crest, the toughest ski mountain in the West. He could ski anything and was admired by the younger patrollers. When it was a quiet weekday with good snow, he'd lead them on expeditions to ski the chutes along the precipitous ridge south of the ski area boundary. Each time they'd go a little further and higher.
One day they came to a chute longer and steeper than any they'd skied before. Hans turned to Jonny, his most devout follower, and said, "Get out my red shirt." Jonny dug into the bag of special equipment and found a flaming crimson shirt which Hans promptly put on. Then he plunged down the chute. Jonny and the others watched him go, then skied down an easier way and met him at the bottom.
"That was awesome!" they all said. Jonny said, "Hans, please tell us about your red shirt. What's that for?"
"Well, of course it's so you can see me better, but more important, if I fall and gash myself on the rocks, I don’t want you to see the blood and risk your lives to rescue me," explained Hans.
"Wow, what a super guy," they all said to themselves.
The next time they climbed the ridge, they came to an even higher and steeper chute. Again Hans said, "Get out my red shirt!" He put it on and again fearlessly dove down the chute. The others went around the easy way and met him at the bottom. Hans pointed up at the very top of the mountain where they could just make out a narrow couloir that looked longer and steeper than any of the others. "Tomorrow I'll ski that," said Hans.
The next day they all hiked the ridge and came to the very top. Hans peered down the chute. It was about 8 feet wide, 70 degrees steep and wove through an impenetrable maze of razor-sharp rocks. What had looked like snow from below was bullet-proof crust.
Hans turned to Jonny and whispered, "Get out my brown pants."
mapnut
Not done yet.
I got on the lift one morning with a guy in his early 60s and we had a nice chat. He looked like a pretty hard-core skier, so I asked, "You want to keep me company for a few runs?"
"Sorry," he said, "I have to catch up with my Dad."
"Wow, your Dad's skiing? How old is he?"
"He's 82. This is him coming down now." I watched an unmistakably elderly skier coming down the liftline making crisp turns and carrying plenty of speed.
"He's amazing. I'll be he's the oldest skier here," I said.
"Nope, Granddad's the oldest skier here. He's 103."
"Holy crap! He's 103 and still skis! Is he somewhere out on the hill?"
"Actually, no, he's sleeping in today. He's on his honeymoon."
"His honeymoon! Why would a man his age want to get married?"
"Didn't want to. Had to."
joshua_segal
Love it:
Most of the jokes to date were old jokes which have been adapted to skiing:
Three snowboarders are riding in the back of a car. Who is driving? The police.
- I've heard it with the word snowboarder substituted with teenagers, as well as several racially and immigrant offensive versions.
Mapnut's joke about "a skier, a telemarker and a snowboarder": I first heard it with an American, an Israeli and the butt of the joke.
Jaytrem's, "What do a snowboard and a vacuum have in common? They both have a dirtbag attached to them."
Heard that one with the word "Harley", substituted for "snowboard".
The brown pants joke, I first heard told about three generals in WWII with the first two demonstrating bravery.
And mapnut's joke about the 103 year-old: I think I heard it with a marathon runner.
Keep 'em coming!
rickbolger
This lift is so slow....
Cannonball
If we're telling old jokes, here's one that stopped making sense in the late 90's when the ski terminology changed.....
What do you call 2 guys on shaped skis?
Pairaballlickers.
trackbiker
rickbolger;c-35429 wroteThis lift is so slow....
...you could time it with a calendar.
rickbolger
trackbiker;c-35431 wroterickbolger;c-35429 wroteThis lift is so slow....
...you could time it with a calendar.
good one!
how about:
...if you have sex at the bottom, you'll give birth at the top
lotsoskiing
Q: How does a snowboarder introduce himself?
A: "Sorry, dude."
Chuckstah
Where does a skier keep their money?
In a snow bank.
rickbolger
What do western skiers have in common with the Titanic?
They both look great until they hit ice
TomWhite
Those over 60 will remember Wayne Wong, an early freestyle skier. I’ve toyed with he and I running a ski school – The Tom White and Wayne Wong Ski School. You can play with the names. Ski with Tom and learn the White way. Ski with Wayne and learn the Wong way. Learn the White way to ski Wong. Learn to ski the Wong way White…
OldMan
What do snowboarders use for birth control? Their personality.
How do snowboarders say hello? Sorry dude.
woodcore
No offense to the tray riders......
What do snowboarders and vacuum cleaners have in common?
They both have dirt bags attached
Cannonball
What's the difference between a ski instructor and a mutual fund?
Eventually the fund will mature and make a little money.
joshua_segal
Depending on how you count, there are about 19 jokes presented to date.
By far the largest category of them (six) were related to perceived stereotypes of snowboarders.
13 of them were riddles.
Only 3 of them were narratives with a punch line and not one of them was unique to skiing. They were all adapted from other jokes that were about age, bravery and stupidity.
Tom White's was (IMO) the most creative.
Got more?
bmwskier
In the same vein, we used to sing this at the "Burial of Old Man Winter" every spring.
Gory, Gory (Ski)
"Is everybody ready?" cried the starter looking up
Our hero feebly answered, "Yes" and then we stood him up
He started booming down the trail, but his bindings were unhooked
Well, he ain't gonna ski no more
Gory, gory, what a hell of a way to die
Gory, gory, what a hell of a way to die
Gory, gory, what a hell of a way to die
Well, he ain't gonna ski no more
He felt the wind, he felt the cold, he felt the sudden drop
He tried to stem, he tried to check, and then he tried to stop
A sudden bang, a terrible crash, a horrible rush of blood
Well, he ain't gonna ski no more
There was blood upon his bindings, there were brains upon
his skis
Intestines were a hanging from the highest of the trees
We scraped him up from off the snow and poured him from his boots
Well, he ain't gonna ski no more
Printed in Song Fest by Dick and Beth Best
SOF
